The Day I Became Emma’s Mama!
The moment I looked into Emma’s beautiful, soulful blue eyes, it was love at first sight. I had spent close to nine months nourishing her mind, body and soul with my tender love and care and the time to meet her was FINALLY here. A wave of true love came over me that I had never experienced before in my life. I was a mama, HER mama, she chose ME! I vowed to be there for her and protect her every second of every day. I will never forget that day. I am blessed, grateful, and thankful to be called her mama, mom, mommy, the person I was meant to be.
Although Emma’s birthday was the happiest day of my life, it also brought some feelings of sadness, anger, pain, frustration, loss and grief because I didn't experience the birth I had imagined in my mind.
Now that it has almost been six years, I am ready to share some details around our birth story. I feel I have worked through and healed from the birth trauma, which unfortunately, is more common than people realize, and I know many of you mamas reading this have experienced it.
Emma was born mostly healthy (thank god!)
Despite birthing emma in a hospital, which I was not keen on, I was able to use my voice in part to advocate for Emma and me.
I laboured mostly at home, for about 3-4 hours. The entire start to finish was 5.5 hours! Emma knew what she wanted then, she was coming quick, and there was no stopping her. She was a firecracker then, just as much as she is now! The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree lol.
I did not use pharmaceutical drugs while labouring and birthing her.
I did not have an IV set up while birthing her.
While “pushing” I had intermittent monitoring of her heartbeat.
As soon as Emma was born, she was brought skin to skin against me.
In order to allow the vernix to set in to her skin, she was not bathed or wiped down after the birth.
She did not receive the vitamin K injection (natural oral drops instead).
She did not receive the erythromycin drops (antibiotic eye goop that makes it difficult for babies to see).
I did not receive the Rhogam injection in case we were not the same negative blood type. It turns out we are anyways (very common for both mom and babe to be rh negative).
She was mostly healthy, and her apgar score was a 9/10 (which as you may know, is not a predictor of future health).
Her umbilical cord was not clamped immediately after she was born.
My placenta was in tact and healthy. I wish I had taken a photo of it or kept it! The midwife was ogling over it haha!
Had I been empowered enough to push for the home birth I truly wanted, and ignored outside influences and their chatter of fear, I believe the following cascade of medical interventions could have been prevented, at least in part:
Throughout my pregnancy, I had a feeling that I would birth well before my “due date”, and quickly. My midwife brushed me off stating that most first time mom’s deliver late and birthing Emma could take at least 24 hours. My mom birthed my brothers and I very quickly (I was 45 minutes total, even while in a breech position), and all early (I was born two weeks early), and I had a feeling I would too with Emma.
I went into labour at 38+1 and progressed quickly. My midwife did not come to the house to check on me once during labour.
I had a bloody show, sent the photo to my midwife, and again, it felt like she did not take me seriously enough.
When I was at home and in transition, again, my midwife was nowhere to be found. Even though Emma’s head was in the birth canal, my midwife nonchalantly said, “I’ll have to call the hospital to see if there’s room for you”. We left, and drove 20 minutes to the hospital (so uncomfortable and my laboured stalled!) I was taken into a room with no healthcare providers, and my midwife was nowhere in sight. My (backup) midwife arrived about 30 minutes later and I was confirmed 8cm dilated after an OB checked me. When the midwife arrived, the OB was beginning to set up an IV for an epidural that I did not have in my birth plan! Apparently I had agreed to it in my stressed out, painful state. Luckily, my midwife stepped in and informed the OB that the epidural was not in my birth plan, plus it was way too late for one. Phew.
Emma’s head was large (95th percentile), and it took 90 minutes to push her out. When I was labouring at home, I felt relief when I sat on the toilet in a squatting position. At the hospital, I was laying on my back on an uncomfortable bed, which is not a conducive or natural position for birthing a baby. The midwife ultimately pulled on her head, likely contributing to or causing Emma’s congenital Torticollis. It felt like my midwife was in a rush to leave (Sunday night) and it did not feel like I was fully supported. The torticollis caused Emma pain, and issues with movement, sleep and breastfeeding. I brought her to physiotherapy and osteopathy regularly, and did physiotherapy exercises multiple times per day with her for 2+ years. Her neck’s range of motion seems better now.
My midwife did not allow me to birth the placenta on its own, she pulled on it after 5 minutes, likely resulting in my postpartum hemorrhage, where I lost 800cc of blood. To mitigate the effects of the blood loss, the midwife injected me with pitocin and administered an IV, without providing me with much informed consent. The blood loss caused lightheadedness, palor, nausea, high blood pressure, low blood sugar and low iron.
Although I wanted Emma’s cord clamping delayed until the cord went white, and all of the nutrients from the placenta had transferred to Emma (where they belonged), my midwife cut the cord after only 6 minutes, stating there was no literature proving that waiting any time beyond that was helpful to the baby (I disagree). She also stated that since my cord was so short and thick, Emma wouldn’t be able to reach me that well and it would impair my skin to skin with Emma. I wasn’t in a place to argue with the midwife and say ‘no’ nor did I have anyone doing that for me.
Emma was weighed and checked over on a table away from me, interrupting our skin to skin bonding time.
It took the midwife 90 minutes to sew up my 2nd degree vaginal tear, during which, the midwife didn’t find it necessary to have Emma on me skin to skin to establish breastfeeding and bonding.
The nurse wrapped Emma in a blanket and placed her in a cot at the other side of our hospital room, rather than being skin to skin on me permanently, again to bond and establish breastfeeding.
The nurse was more concerned with getting me to pee enough to avoid having a catheter inserted, rather than ensuring I was successful at breastfeeding Emma.
Knowing what I know now, my dream birth story would have been associated with feelings of bliss, ecstasy, calm, and peace. I would have felt incredibly empowered to make the most informed decisions that were best for Emma and me.
Empowered to listen to my intuition and ignore the fear and chatter of outside influences.
Empowered to trust my body’s ability to birth Emma naturally, without pharmaceuticals, interventions, or any interference.
Empowered to choose the birth my mom gut told me I truly wanted, in the comfort of my home, in a squatting position, with a qualified and caring doula and midwife for support by my side.
Empowered to do MORE research and ask MORE questions.
Empowered to have a voice and stand up for myself.
Empowered to choose the right advocate(s) for me and my baby.
Empowered to ensure my birth advocate(s) stood up for me and my baby.
Empowered to find second, third, even fourth opinions from healthcare providers when I felt like I was not getting the care and attention I needed.
Empowered to make informed decisions through informed consent. This cannot be done without doing ALL of the research, asking ALL of the right questions, and being given ALL of the information by healthcare providers.
As a first time mama, I learned from this experience to ALWAYS trust my mama gut (pun intended), it will never steer me in the wrong direction. It’s unfortunate I didn’t have the knowledge and experience I have now in order to get the birth I had truly desired, but I have it now.
Any time a mama has a question about pregnancy, postpartum or childbirth, I am happy to help impart my wisdom. My dear friend Alex can help you as well, she is a doula and knows her stuff quite well. Click here to navigate to her website. If you need any pregnancy and postpartum resources outside of Alex, feel free to send me an email or a message on Instagram.
Happy 6th birthday Emma!
For you mamas, cheers to getting the trauma free childbirth experience you and your baby desire and deserve!
xo,
Alexis, The Nutritionist Mama
*Disclaimer - this is my own personal experience and not medical advice.